You fade into nothingness as you slither between the sheets and try to clench your eyes shut to submerge yourself within your dreams. You toss and turn due to the unfortunate loss of AC in your overly warm home, wondering if the billowing breeze from beneath the curtains, and the roar of a blowing fan is enough to cool your skin. Both your children slink into your room within forty minutes of each other to tell you they can't sleep or they are out of water. It is a sad fact that despite the responsibilities that are put upon me I choose to hide within the shadows of my sadness, and ache for the one who is missing from my side. Unfortunate as it is,This is me right now ... It is not a dream, but more of a messed up reality where im sleep deprived and lonely.
My soldier is gone, training for the battle he has yet to fight as he follows his duty as our nation's hero and fights in a war that is not really ours. I wish him to come home to us again, staring at the stars that peek out at night wondering if he is looking at them too. I have yet to see a shooting star so my wishes for his safety weigh heavily on my heart as I wonder if it is okay to pray when you really aren't seeking for Faith. I want to hold him again, I miss his kisses the strong stench of man that sleeps next to me as I close my eyes to dream at night. It is for him my heart aches and feels empty, just like the space of bed that is next to me.
Many before me have triumphed. As have I. Waiting for the long stretch of time to quickly pass as you lie in wait for your loved one to come back to you. Curse the people who question the strength it takes to stay behind the lines and run the home front. Yes they fight in a war... but we are fighting too. Our sanity, our faith, our spirit, our love; all broken for the time being as we wait for our soldiers to return. My soldier has left me at home to fend for our family . . . I take it with honor and try as hard as I can to keep myself intact. Love is complicated and Bold it keeps me going knowing that even though he is oceans away that our Love still holds hands and sings the song of our six year ongoing triumph. He may be my rock, my best friend but I am also his and as long as I the MILITARY WIFE stays strong, I know he will stay strong too walking through the door to see me once again and embrace me in that warmth I so surely miss.
Come back to me Strong my soldier.
Come back to me Safe my soldier.
Come back. . . . .
Kid Quote of the day: None today
Song of the day
Firehouse _ Love of a Lifetime (OUR SONG)
I apologize for abandoning my readers last month. Between my computer breaking down on me, and having to say my goodbyes as my husband boarded another bus headed for the great sandbox in attempt to fight for our country my heart just wasn't in it. If that wasn't enough to cause my heart pain, my life outside the bricked walls of my house have effected me in such a way that its been hard to focus on any aspect of my life let alone the blog I use as my outlet to the world.
I find that writing poetry is almost like a drug to me. In order to escape the emotions that plague my insides and cause me to be miserable and sad, even angry, I can just pick up a pen and pad of paper (Computer) and leak out the emotions on to the paper (type) and express my feelings before I overdose on the emotion. So with that in mind and the over abundance of icky drama swirling around me lately I picked up my laptop and and wrote a poem. The goosebumps prickling my skin as I sliced my flesh and oozed the writing vein of emotion all over the screen. (Not literally) But as the famous quote by ~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith says There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.
I opened my own vein and afterward I felt rejuvenated, peaceful even. I no longer felt the burden in my chest that the pain was causing me and I realized I had just released heartfelt, pure, raw emotion and it erupted into a poem I can't help but be proud of. Now I would like to share it with my readers.
Disappointment By Vanessa Kelly
The end is near,
Sanity driven thoughts fading in the distance.
As I lay in wait for the answers that never come.
Why are those with kind hearts walked upon?
Trampled like the dying grass on a cold autumn day?
I pored my heart on the platter,
awaiting to be accepted and gobbled up.
Only to be met with dry mouths and broken dreams.
Is this how it feels to be murdered,
pulling the knife from between my shoulder blades,
only to feel the burning sensation as it sears the flesh on my wrists.
I feel lost,
alone in the darkness without a flashlight. Searching for the acceptance I long for.
Why are you saying goodbye?
Running for the nearest exit as I grab the invisible strings attempting to pull you back.
I finally connected to another soul,
only to once again meet Disappointment face to face.
Hello old friend,
Hello my enemy,
Again we fight for my happiness,
Again you win blindsiding me with drama.
Is friendship so meaningless that its this easy to take away?
Only to be met with a backside to my face as you walk out the door.
I thought it would be different this time,
The connection flowing like the sands in and hourglass.
as it sinks to the pits of my souls and turns over to once again to repeat the process.
A hour glass now cracked and spilling the emotional pieces of sand that tear from my eyes.
Fate has broken down the door and given me the pleasure of knowing you,
Hell in human form dictating you to turn away from me and not look back.
A broken record continues to serenade the song of sorrow that plays in my heart
as I await Disappointment's re-occurrence in my life.
Hello old friend we meet again . . .
How are you?
Disappointed as usual . . .
Who are these?
Oh this is hope, and this optimism;
their swords outstretched and ready to bring on the attack.
I haven't given up this time,
And though my heart aches for that broken friendship,
a band-aid waits in the distance ready to cover the gap hell in human form has caused between us.
Time awaiting the day when all the drama will subside,
and once again happiness fills my empty soul,
My dark dreams grizzled and singed,
opening to the light and gay butterflies that dance in the fields.
Who has the last laugh now Disappointment.
It is I alone but strong, optimistic and crazy.
But true in the midst of everything.
your friend forever.
So there you have it my soul bared and for you to read . . .take it as you will but whether or not you accept the poetry for what it is. It's real . . . It's raw . . . It's me. Thanks for Reading and I promise to write more soon.
What's For Dinner Tonight: SUBWAY EAT FRESH
Kid Quote of the Day: My Daughter: That's my little brother Logan.
Clerk at store Smiles
My Daughter: We call him Captain Destructo
Clerk: Captain Destructo?
Me: Well he is!
So normally I am not an avid reader. . . but I found myself falling in love with a YA book series called the House of Night.
I really didn't have any interest in picking up another vampire book series after I completely wretched over Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books. The story was okay... her love story triangle was very good. But the way Stephanie Meyer writes just sends chills down my spine not the good ones either but the horribly I want to put this book down but can't because I want to see if it gets any better type of chills. Stephanie Meyer took the Vampire world of seduction and mystery and turned it into a sparkling weak world of whiny Vampires and impulsive, indecisive meager Female lead. So I decided to try another series out . . . in comes the House of Night series by P.C and Kristin Cast a mother and daughter who live in Oklahoma.
First off the fact the book was based in Tulsa, Oklahoma completely drew me in and that is why I picked it up off my library's shelf. The book took a new spin on Vampires, where Humans aren't bitten then turned, nor did they have sparkly vampires whose stalked their human girlfriends. Instead the Vampires are Marked given a special tattoo which symbolized that the Dark goddess Nyx has called them to her. I love the way the characters jumped out of the book and I totally pictured being with Zoey Redbird the heroin, and her misfit awesome friends as they began their journey through their change into becoming full fledged vampyres. Now talk about a love story Zoey is love with three people! All of them completely sexy and cool, one is her almost ex Human Boyfriend, the other a sexy upperclassmen, and finally a dark and mysterious teacher.
I really enjoyed reading the first two books in the series Marked and Betrayed, and quickly ran to the library to get the rest of the books in the series. If you like cool spins on vampires, YA novel, and cool characters that you can totally relate to then you will love the House of Night series. Just Like me.
Whats for Dinner tonight: FROZEN PIZZA.... THAT'S RIGHT DIJORNO PIZZA
Kid Quote of the Day: From my son to my daughter as she was getting dressed for school
" He He Bootie funny."
So the creative juices have been flowing, and I started my new contemporary teen novel. I'm pretty excited about it and at this point the story is actually like three separate stories in one. So hopefully if I can make each unique and pull all three together it should be a rather moving book when I am all finished.
What kind of things do you like to write? What makes your voice different than the author sitting next to you? I often wonder if my voice is even worth listening to, what makes me special? Why do people want to hear me? I guess that is every first time author's worry when they are on their journey to getting published.
I know it's been awhile since I last blogged.. and I know this is a pretty short blog today but I'm so consumed with my book that its hard to come up with witty, inspiring things to say to the masses right now. Hopefully I will be more blog happy tomorrow. Night all.
Kid Quote of the Day: From my son. HA HA I footed (his way of saying farted) I funnee.
What's for Dinner tonight: Double Decker Chicken Tacos
What does it mean to be inspired. Inspiration is defined as a divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation. (MirriamWebsterDictionary) I have heard people say that life is uninspiring that its dull and drab. But Inspiration is everywhere as long as you take the time to stop and look for it. I find that Inspiration is something that can come at anytime, it doesn't care whether your driving in a car, listening to music that touches your soul, or looking at a statue that speaks to your inner creativity. I remember the first time I really felt "inspired", I was sitting in a class I hated Intro to graphic design. It wasn't that I hated the graphic design class itself. I hated the class because the teacher was heinously evil, at least she was in my mind. I was flipping through our book looking at each picture and then I saw it . . . A statue made out of rock carved into a mountain side with a pond and flowers at its feet. I fell in love with it imagining being in Tuscany staring up at the mysterious man carved into the rock and feeling creative, inspired, alive again. I don't know how many times i flipped back to that picture but it was because of the picture I was able to go back and draw again. The statue is called Apennine by Giambologna, it is located in Tuscany, Italy and resides in Demidoff Park. (Picture Above) Every time I look at this statue and picture inspiration swirls around me. What inspires you? Do you have a song, a picture, something that gets your creative juices going? Today I entered the WOW winter fast fiction contest. After editing provided by my mother (retired English teacher.) I sent in my submission shaky and weary of what is to come. My story I will post in a future blog after the contest is over. But I started to think about what inspired me to write the story for the contest and I realized I got my inspiration from a song which is also the song of the day Nickleback's Savin Me.
As you can see I draw my inspiration from everything and hope that soon more people will do the same because without inspiration we would all be drones in a sea of familiarity and structure lacking the special uniqueness society has to keep for everyone to be individually free.
What's Dinner Tonight: Pork Chops, Special Potatoes and Veggies
Kid Quote of the Day:
Daughter: Look mom I am magical
Grocery store door opens automatically
Me: Wow you are Magical
Daughter: Yup I'm very very magical watch Door Open now
Second passes by then door opens
So it looks as though I will be gone most of the weekend. Unfortunately the chance of a possible romantic weekend alone with my husband will be smashed by 3 foot tall monsters I love to call my children. Sometimes I wish it was easier to bring the romance into a marriage. But with little support around us and no babysitter, we are forced to take the children with us almost everywhere nowadays. Does alone time even exist anymore? So with a busy weekend I will not have time to blog nor write on my novels.
But some good news I made the decision to write on the new idea for a book in my head, I already have 6 pages going. I figure I can work on one book one week and the next week go back to the other. I'm loving this new found strength I get while I write. The tiredness not so much. But with this new novel practically writing itself in my head I figured before I lost the inspiration I should start writing on that book we will see where it takes me.
I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Kid Quote of the day: My daughter's new word . . . I'm the personist of them all mommy, the personist.
Whats for dinner tonight: Brisket Sandwiches and Chips
A day late and dollars short I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I hit a fork in the road with my novel and now I am sitting here wondering which way to turn.
Not to be confused with Forks the town in Washington where the Twilight series is set. Don't even get me started on that book series... I will save that for another day another blog or shall I say another blog rant (blrant).
So back to my Fork . . .
"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." ~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith
I guess I sliced open my own writing vein when I started this blog . . . since then the creative juices have been flowing through me and spilling out onto the paper (computer) like blood falling from a sliced wrist. Unfortunatley instead of that creativity flowing into my Broken Wings novel I am instead infatuated and in love with another novel stalking my brain. Who would of thought that starting a blog where you write just a little something everyday would spark a barrage of new ideas. So where to go from here to I continue to write on my mystery suspense novel, researching every little detail to make it just right? Or do i write from the heart? More passion and love for a story that touches my soul. What is the writer in me to do. I wanted to finish my novel but this new idea has practically wrote itself. I guess I will see in a couple days what is in my head more and go from there.
"Life is a journey that you travel everyday and which path you take is up to you. A fork in the road may throw you off your course, but why turn another way when you can bulldoze through it and continue on your journey." ~ (Me)
Kid Quote of the Day:
Picture me and my daughter in the bathroom and i tell her let's put your hair in a ponytail today but first I tell her we need to brush her hair. So she starts to brush her bangs first.
Me: You know honey we need to brush the rest of your hair and put it in a ponytail before we brush your bangs.
My Daughter: Well Mommy YOUR BRAIN maybe telling you to brush the rest of my hair first but MY BRAIN is telling me to brush my bangs.
What's for Dinner Tonight: Grilled Tilapia, Rice, and Veggies
Song of the Day:
Pat Benetar- Invicible from one of my favorite movies the Legend of Billie Jean
Video Provided by Youtube courtsey of member Jessie J
A person often wonders if they are good enough to achieve greatness. The act of accomplishing your goals and feeling the slight sense of self worth afterward can be completely foreign if you are not use to having good things happen to you. Today I felt that insecurity overtaking me. For years my love of writing has been put on the back-burner so that I could live in the reality of a normal life and earn the poor-mans dollar. My biggest achievement will always be a loving and wife and mother to the family I have built; but as I get older I begin to wonder what else am I worth? What have I accomplished for myself that puts me on my own path to greatness? It is these questions that have led me on my journey back to the art of writing and he road to my own self enlightenment.
What is my first step towards self enlightenment you ask besides working on finishing my novel?
Well the first step is sucking in my breath looking in the mirror and telling myself . . .get off your a** and put yourself out there and so that is exactly what I did.
Today I decided to try my hand at writing a short story and enter it in the WOW contest. While I may not have spent my time writing on my novel today. I did enjoy letting my creative juices flow while writing my submission. Once I have sent it in I will post it on here for viewing. But for now it feels good to put myself out there and breath after wading out into the water and taking a step towards my dreams of becoming a published author.
WHATS FOR DINNER TONIGHT: Spaghetti made with ground turkey!
KID QUOTE OF THE DAY: Today it comes from my son who is 2 mind you. Picture a small little boy jumping down the hallway on all fours pretending he is frog. So as my son would say BIBBIT BIBBIT everyone!
SONG OF THE DAY:
I chose this song today because
I love the song
If you listen closely to the words it is a perfect fit for my blog today!
So after a bad display of Can Can dance moves in front of my son to the ending credits of the movie Stardust; I decided to update my blog and make it more attractive. So now that it is done, it's time to reveal a little excerpt from my novel. 'Here are the first couple paragraphs of Chapter One. (keep in mind this is my First Rough Draft. EMPHASIS on the ROUGH)
Chapter One.
The wind ran rampant through the roof top of the old apartment building, it played with the old metal shingles making them sing with each vicious blow raging through the sky.The girl sat alone, watching as the New York night life buzzed below her.She often journeyed to the top of her building, escaping the reality of her everyday life.She sat with her legs crossed, her back pressed against the granite stones laid to form the exterior walls of the roof. Nearby he sat in wait, watching from the shadows as she basked in the beams of the Harvest Moon.Her beauty evoked desires lying dormant within his body, every beat from his heart raced like a tiger stalking its prey.He wanted her, watching from afar as he studied her every movement.She was his Princess, the chosen royalty to start off his assortment of perfect people.He sat mesmerized by her perfect beauty; she was the typical Barbie doll, vanity attacked every inch of her porcelain skin. From head to toe, his Princess was the ultimate beauty: her hair was a golden blonde dancing playfully throughout the wind’s frigid grasp as it whipped about her shoulders. Her eyes were large; shimmering like shiny sapphires under a layer of thick and sultry lashes.He could feel himself losing control as he remembered her smile, fidgeting as the memory of the first moment they spoke sent his genital regions into a sensory overload.
He saw her in a crowd, silhouetted like an angel sitting amongst a vast sea of darkness as she jogged her way to Central Park.The blank faces of the bustling New York sidewalk continued on with their lives, unfazed by the radiant beauty that moved in between them.He sat in awe completely enthralled with the Princess that haunted his dreams.She made her way to the park running through the thicket of trees along the trails; he followed behind her stalking her silently as he watched her tote a tiny tea cup poodle behind her tied to a golden leash that flashed within the sun.He took a short cut and made his way to the other side of the park determined to hear the voice of his Princess.He found himself facing her, blocking her way as she jogged up the path.He waved his hands to flag her down; she obliged and slowed her pace taking the headphones from out of her ears as he spoke.
“Excuse me Miss, but do you have the time?” he asked coyly, holding her eyes in a passionate gaze.She flashed him a smile and jogged in place.
“I’m sorry what did you say?”She asked her voice almost singing as she spoke, the tea cup poodle growled, her perfectly cleaned teeth barring through her puffy white fur.“Precious will you please calm down?” She scolded her poodle, waving a long slender finger towards the dog. She ignored the dog’s warning about the man who stood before her and flashed him a vibrant smile.
“Um yes Miss, I asked if you had the time.”She pulled her cell phone from her pocket, a bright florescent pink phone with jewels encrusting the case.She checked the time and put it back into the pocket of her pale pink jump suit.
“Of course, it is almost 7:20 . . .” She informed him as she put her headphones back into her ears continuing her jog through the park. He fell to his knees; an intense pressure attacked his heart every beat ached longing for her to come back to him. The pain traveled to his head pounding through his brain like a stampede of wild horses. He let out a low grunt as he rubbed it vigorously; his headaches seemed to get worse the more his urges ran away with themselves. He stood up, unable to track the rest of her movements due to the unfortunate hammering that attacked the inside of his head and the pits of his heart. He was determined to find her again; his collection needed its Princess the tiara waiting to be placed on her royal locks of blonde hair.
Well there you have a sneak peek at my killer and his first victim the Princess. I really hope it entices people to want more. As for today, I didn't attempt anything on my book mostly I played with my kids all day. So I decided to add another thing to my blogs. Song of the Day. Hope you enjoy them as well.
Kid Quote of the Day:
Me talking to my daughter: Okay so what is your Kid Quote today?
My daughter: What is a Kid Clode?
Me: A Kid Clode huh? A Kid Quote is something you say that is funny.
My daughter: Ohhhh Okay Mommy you have a Frog butt.
( I Guess I should have stuck with the Kid Clode, that was funny enough!)
Whats For Dinner Tonight: Fish Sticks, Tarter Sauce and Fries (Thanks Honey :)
Song of the Day: Cee Lo Green (Forget You) Edited version
So the first Blog was more about me Now it is time to get you interested in my book.
So right now my book has a working title called Broken Wings.
It is a completely fictional story about a Female Criminal Investigator named Angel who has a troubling life which involves a lot of heart break and loss. Angel is a loner who is forced by her Captain to get a new partner, a handsome, wise cracking, womanizer named Dominic. Dominic and Angel start to investigate a series of murders in New York city where the tips lead them on wild goose chase looking for the killer. As you get to know Angel and Dominic you also get to know the killer a sick and twisted demented soul who is looking for some new "friends".
Now if I divulge anymore information my entire TWIST would be ruined. So my goal entice you into reading this blog... Tell you about me and my life, and provide you with little snippets of my book. And even involve you in the writing process.
First I need a fourth victim for my serial killer....
THE FIRST THREE VICTIMS
First Victim: A overly seductive enchantress who tempts the killer with her extreme beauty.
Second Victim: A unattractive obese woman, who hates life and wants to die.
Third Victim: A main character in my book.
Now for the Fourth Victim.
Should it be
A Special Forces Military Man
A Bubbly Blond homosexual male
Or a large male Biker with a gruff exterior and over active imagination (can we say Conspiracy Theorist?)
Help me decide!
So far I have the first 8 chapters done in my book, a Preface, and the ending done. Now I just have to fill in the middle.
So here it goes my first ever blog.... Well I have nothing to say.
Just kidding.
What better way to start then with my New Years Resolutions: I have two.
First Resolution: My first resolution is almost every woman's resolution at the first of the year. LOSE SOME WEIGHT.
With the new year sprung upon me I find myself looking in the mirror and the realization hit me why sit on the couch watching the Biggest Loser as I tell myself I wish that it was me on that show.... (And yes I do watch the Biggest Loser). Instead let's do something about it. But what can you do when you live in a very small town with limited resources? My answer.... Portion Control and Exercise tapes. OH and the Biggest Loser Wii game... well Walking too. I Guess I do have some resources. In all reality it is hard to have the ambition to work out. I'd rather stuff my face with sweets and starches and play video games then spend a couple hours running, walking, jogging and working out. But nevertheless being a mother of two the added pounds from marriage and having children needs to go away.
Second Resolution: To finish the first draft of my novel and complete it.
I have always loved to write, it started when I was little writing a bunch of happy-go-lucky teenage romance novels that bounced around my old school Apple computer incomplete and waiting for an ending which never came. Here is my problem . . . I love to write . . . So I start writing and start typing faster than my ideas pop in my head It's then that I hit a wall its called WRITERS BLOCK and get discouraged forever turning my back on the ideas for books that sat on my computer waiting to be finished.
So now I have started to write again, only took me like 10 years and I am about a quarter done with my first novel. My goal... to finish the book every single chapter by the end of the year and start sending it around to get published.
So there you go my New Years Resolutions.
Now your probably wondering who this crazy person is talking about writing and weight loss and why do I care what she has to say. Well in all honesty I am a stay at home mom, with kids and Husband who is in the military. ARMY WIFE at its finest.
I'm turning 29 this year and my only wish is to complete this book and accomplish the dream of becoming a published author. Whether you care about what I have to say that is up to you. LOVE ME or HATE ME this blog is for me and for anyone interested in my struggle of writing a novel while dealing with everyday life struggles. I welcome all followers and will even involve you in the process of writing my book.
Thats all for now thanks for reading.
VK
What's for dinner tonight: HOME MADE CHILI AND CORN BREAD
Kid quote of the day: Me: What are you doing?
My daughter: Mom I am just doing average kid stuff. Now if you excuse me I am going to go watch daddy shoot some bad guys.
(he is playing Red Dead Redemption on XBOX 360)
